Sunday, July 12, 2009

Facing Life Changes

I usually try and keep things posted on my blog upbeat and artful. But this past week life has thrown me some things that have been hard to shallow. So I am taking a little detour and pouring out some thoughts that I need to express for me.

As you might have already guesses this post is going to mainly be focused on the MOST SPECIAL man in my life my Dad. Over the past few days I have had to stomach some really hard news on more than one occasion. It all started on Monday with a heart cath which did come back with great result considering that he has been a smoker for over 50 years. He only had one artery with blockage at 70% and could be taken care of with a stint. On Wednesday things started a little down hill. He went in for a ROUTINE biopsy. While having the procedure his lung collapsed. Okay no big deal, will think again it is not sealing on it's own. We were told that he does have cancer and emphysema in the lung and the cancer was not contained to the lung. Then on Sunday the chest tube started leaking the air into his body. OMG never knew a human body could blow up like his did today. This has now landed him ICU to become stabilized. So as of last night it felt like we rolling down that hill and never going to stop until we hit a brick wall at the bottom. As of this morning for the moment looks like we did not slam into the brick wall at the bottom and are maybe heading back up the hill for a few days. We still have the three surgical procedures facing us but with everything cross that you could possibly cross this will be without indent.


Sleep has not come much since Wednesday. Tears have been flowing, fears have been faced, and memories have flooded back. I am one who has a tough time asking for help or even expressing my fears or emotions to those around me. As when your heart has been hurt a lot in life you will put up a wall and not let many on the side you are on. So as not to let your heart be hurt again. Then something likes this happens it makes you realize just how precious and short life is. How sometimes that wall holds you back from letting go and asking for help or just letting someone else see you valuable. Like the song on Bucket List says "Say what you need to say" and I think that making a bucket list is some thing we all should do. Not only that but to make the most of the EVERY DAY MOMENTS! The past few days have really gotten me to thinking and examining my life. Things that I have done, things I have not done, what I would love to change, how I can change for the better and find contentment and true happiness. One of the biggest things I need to improve on is living in the moment and not worrying about things I can't change and how many people don't like me or why I don't have this or that in material things or personality. I have for so many years of my life tried to be what others wanted me to be and being perfect at everyone of the many titles I hold. So you might be getting more bucket list up dates and hopefully more art, photos and more good times in future post. The one thing I have learned is that you have to make your life no one else will do it for you. So here goes to doing that.


June said...

Hi Michelle, I know how these thoughts arrive and the sad fact that they come when life shocks us into examining our morality. I have been through a few months which have taught me similar lessons. You are so right to do this and its a wonderful positive to be able to take time to think about these things and to 'stop and smell the roses'
In the meantime, i send you my love and prayers for you and your wonderful dad. I hope that he is back on his way up and that you are too
hugs June xxx

Shelly Hickox said...

That's a beautiful picture of you both. You're so lucky to be able to be there for your Dad. I hope things start improving soon. Know that I am here if you ever need a friend!